It’s not because I don’t care about growth, achieving things or change — it’s because, for me, resolutions have almost always been rooted in pressure and pushing.

They tend to assume unlimited energy, consistent motivation, and a nervous system that can tolerate being pushed.

That hasn’t been my lived experience.

This year, instead of resolutions, I set one overarching intention:

To be more intentional.

Not in a performative or productivity-driven way. But in a listening way.

Why intention feels different (and more sustainable)

Resolutions usually focus on outcomes:

• what you’ll achieve
• what you’ll improve
• what you’ll finally “fix”
• when you will do it by, within the next 12 months.

You see, there’s pressure there already!

Intentions focus on how you want to live.

They create a lens you can return to when energy fluctuates, life intervenes, or plans need to change. For ADHD and AuDHD brains — and for anyone caught in the burnout cycle or recovering from burnout — that flexibility matters.

Intentions leave room for capacity. Resolutions rarely do.

What being “more intentional” looks like for me this year

Over the break, I spent time reflecting on how I ended last year — not just what I did, but how I felt.

Tired. Proud. Stretched. Tender and a little brittle.

That reflection shaped how I approached planning for this year. Rather than mapping out everything I should do, I focused on how I want to be.

Being more intentional has meant:

• planning the year in quarters, not as one long sprint
• asking “what does the next three months need?” rather than “how do I optimise the year?”
• scheduling rest, leave, and space first, because if it’s not in the calendar, it usually doesn’t happen
• having clear conversations about time off and priorities (including finally booking a long-awaited Japan trip in May)
• saying no earlier — and with less justification

This isn’t about doing less for the sake of it. It’s about doing things with awareness.

What I’m deliberately not doing

Part of intention-setting is naming what you’re choosing not to push.

This year, I’m being intentional about:

• not overriding my body when it’s asking for rest
• not saying yes out of habit or guilt
• not clinging to routines that no longer fit (including exercise approaches that create more shame than benefit … goodbye gym membership)
• not treating health as something to “work around” rather than prioritise

Letting go of things can feel uncomfortable — especially for ADHD/AuDHD adults who are used to trying harder to make things work. But sometimes, sustainability comes from subtraction, not addition.

Small, ordinary moments matter

Some of the most meaningful parts of this intention have shown up quietly.

On my first day back at work, I took half an hour for gentle yoga and stretching before opening my laptop. My neck and jaw softened. My body felt more settled. It changed the tone of the entire day.

I bought a six-month planner instead of demanding a full year of certainty from myself (and then the guilt I would have no-doubt felt 12 months from now when I looked back at a year-long planner having forgotten about it for 6 months).

I allowed myself to rest through a sinus infection — even when my brain tried to convince me that housework would be a “better use” of my time.

And after a late-night trip to pet emergency with Freya (she’s okay), I was reminded — again — that presence, pacing, and care matter more than productivity.

Why this matters for ADHD & AuDHD adults

Living with ADHD or AuDHD often means navigating fluctuating energy, sensory load, emotional intensity, and periods of burnout. Traditional goal-setting frameworks don’t account for this.

Intentions offer something different:

• permission to adapt
• a way to check in rather than push through
• language that supports nervous system regulation
• a reminder that capacity is not a moral failing

This isn’t about lowering standards. It’s about setting standards that don’t cost you your health.

Many ADHD adults experience fluctuating energy, burnout, and nervous system overload — something organisations like ADHD Australia regularly highlight in their education and advocacy work.

If you’re starting the year tired

You’re not behind.

You don’t need a resolution.
You don’t need a complete plan.
And you don’t need to reinvent yourself.

You might just need an intention that feels steady, kind, and realistic — one you can return to when things feel messy, overwhelming or you feel a little lost.

For me, that intention is being more intentional.

And I’ll keep coming back to it this year, one choice at a time.

—

If you’d like support navigating intention-setting, pacing, or sustainable ways of living and working with ADHD or AuDHD, you’re welcome to explore coaching with me. We start where you are at right now.

Frequently Asked Questions

Q: What’s the difference between intention-setting and New Year’s resolutions?

A: New Year’s resolutions tend to focus on goal setting, outcomes and self-improvement, often assuming you will have consistent energy and motivation. Intention-setting focuses on how you want to live — allowing for flexibility, capacity changes, and real life.

Q: Why don’t New Year’s resolutions work well for ADHD and AuDHD adults?

A: Many resolutions rely on rigid routines, sustained motivation, longer term goals and planning, and pushing through discomfort. ADHD and AuDHD adults often experience fluctuating energy, sensory load, motivation and burnout, which can make intention-based and shorter-time framed approaches more sustainable.

Q: How do I set intentions if I’m already burnt out?

A: Start small. Intentions don’t need to be goals. They can be words, values, or ways of being — such as pacing, rest, or listening to your body. The intention should support recovery, not demand performance.

Q: Is intention-setting just “doing less”?

A: Not necessarily. Intention-setting isn’t about lowering standards and expectations — it’s about setting standards that respect your capacity and nervous system, so you can engage with life in a sustainable way.

Q: Can intention-setting help with ADHD burnout recovery?

A: Yes. Intention-setting can create space for reflection, adaptation, and nervous system regulation, all of which are important for recovering from burnout and preventing future cycles.

The post Intention, Not Resolution: A Gentler Way to Begin the Year with ADHD & AuDHD appeared first on Janine Defontaine.

Not just on the year I’ve had personally, but on what I’ve learned along the way.

This year, some very clear themes showed up again and again — particularly through my work with ADHD and AuDHD adults, leaders, and professionals.

Here are the main things I’ve learned this year. They’re not insights you’ll find in typical ADHD hacks or productivity tips.

1. people don’t need more hacks — they need less friction

People rarely struggle because they “don’t know what to do” or are unmotivated.

More often, people feel stuck because:

• their energy is treated as unlimited.
• their environment doesn’t match how their brain actually works
• recovery time is invisible (or not acknowledged at all)
• expectations are unclear, unspoken, confusing or constantly shifting.

This is usually a systems, process, and communication issue — not a motivation problem.

When friction is reduced, people don’t need to be pushed. They naturally move forward.

2. Capability is often mistaken for capacity

One of the biggest contributors to burnout I see is this mismatch.

People are capable, intelligent, experienced, and skilled — and they work bloody hard. Many are high performers, so more gets added to their plate.

More work.
Additional responsibility.
More emotional labour.
Unspoken expectations.

But capacity isn’t considered.

The friction shows up when:

• expectations don’t match nervous system capacity
• energy and focus are treated as infinite
• recovery time isn’t factored in
• transitions are underestimated

Capacity fluctuates based on stress, health, sensory load, hormones, life circumstances, energy patterns, time of day, and nervous system state.

Burnout happens when capacity is ignored simply because someone can.

3. The Hidden Cost of Communication Fatigue

People are drained, not by the work itself, but by the constant effort of translating their experience.

Explaining.
Re-explaining.
Choosing the right words.
Managing tone.
Masking reactions.
Anticipating misunderstandings.
Reading between the lines.
Interpreting intentions and unspoken rules.

Even well-intentioned workplaces can be cognitively expensive.

This relational load is one of the most underestimated contributors to ADHD and AuDHD burnout.

4. Transitions are real work

Another quiet but consistent theme is transitions.

Meeting to meeting.
Work to home.
Task to task.
Masking to unmasking.
One environment to another.

Transitions require processing time, emotional regulation, and nervous system adjustment. When rushed or ignored, stress accumulates — even if the workload itself looks reasonable on paper.

Designing for transitions is one of the most powerful (and overlooked) supports.

5. Burnout isn’t dramatic — it’s quiet

Burnout doesn’t always look like collapse.

More often, it looks like:

• withdrawal
• numbness
• over-functioning
• “I’m fine” with no joy underneath
• doing everything… without feeling connected to it
• pushing through.

This kind of burnout is easy to miss, especially in high-functioning, capable people.

ADHD and AuDHD Awareness Is About Fit, Not Fixing

What this year has reinforced for me is this:

ADHD and AuDHD awareness isn’t about productivity tips.

It’s about designing lives, workplaces, and expectations that fit the nervous system.

Less forcing.
More empathy — for yourself and others.
More permission to do things differently.
And time for rest, recovery and restoration.

As I close out the year, I’m holding these reminders for myself too.

Growth doesn’t have to hurt.

Support and reasonable adjustment shouldn’t have to be a fight.

And intentionally doing less can sometimes be the most simple and effective change of all.

— Janine

P.S.

In my coaching work with ADHD and AuDHD adults across Australia, these patterns show up regardless of role, industry, or level of success.

If these reflections resonate, it may be because you’re navigating similar patterns — burnout that doesn’t look dramatic, expectations that don’t quite fit, or a sense that “doing more” isn’t the answer.

Coaching isn’t about fixing you. It’s about understanding how you work — and building support, systems, and boundaries that honour that.

If you’re curious about working together, you can learn more or book a free discovery call with me here.

We start where you are.

The post What ADHD Coaching Has Taught Me This Year (That You Won’t Find in Productivity Tips) appeared first on Janine Defontaine.

As the year winds down, I always feel a mix of emotions — gratitude, joy, tenderness… and if I’m honest, tiredness.

Coaching is one of the greatest joys in my life. Every session lifts me in a way that’s hard to put into words. Being invited into people’s stories — their growth, their struggles, their recalibration — is a genuine privilege I don’t take that lightly.

This year, I’m ending it tired. Properly tired.

It’s been a year of holding space, expanding my practice, navigating life, family and health challenges, pivoting, learning, and growing.

So as we move into the end of the year, I wanted to share something other than motivational goal-setting or “New Year, New You” energy.

Instead, this is an invitation to slow down and gently reflect on the end of year.

When Christmas Feels Complicated

For many Neurodivergent people, the Christmas period can be a bit — or a lot — overwhelming.

It can be emotionally heavy, socially draining, sensory overloading, and deeply complex due to family dynamics, grief, or expectations.

If that’s you, I want you to know this:

• You’re allowed boundaries.
• You’re allowed to say no.
• You’re allowed to step away, opt out, or keep things small.

“Good enough” really is good enough.

Gentle Supports for the Christmas Period

Here are a few gentle supports that an help you to get through the Christmas period:

• Choose one non-negotiable that supports your nervous system: a daily walk, a time limit on a social gathering, choosing to skip the booze this year, a consistent bed-time. Choose something that works for your nervous system.
• Build in transtions between events and recovery time after social events. Extend it longer than you usually do.
• Create micro-moments of grounding: a walk, fresh air, bare feet on the earth, a quiet pause in the bathroom, noise-cancelling headphones, a hug with your pet.
• Find moments of joy in your way, not the way you or others think you should.

You Don’t Need to Reinvent Yourself for the New Year

As we wrap up the year, and since I love a good reflection, here’s a few gentle reflections to consider over the coming weeks:

• What do I genuinely have capacity for right now?
• Where can I give myself permission to do less, say no, or rest?
• Where did I surprise myself this year?
• What might support future-me, even in a tiny way?
• What can I gently leave behind this year, and what do I want to carry forward?

There are no right answers, and these aren’t productivity hacks — they’re questions to help you tune in and nurture your nervous system.

And in case you need a permission:

You don’t need a brand-new planner.

You don’t need to overhaul your life.

And you don’t need to emerge from January a “better version” of yourself.

You’re allowed to arrive at the end of the year exactly as you are.

Moving gently into the new year

January doesn’t need to be a sprint. It can be a soft landing.

If planning feels supportive, great. If rest is what’s needed first, that’s valid too.

Me, well, I’m practising what I preach.

I’ll be taking a short break over the holiday period to rest, reset, and recalibrate — following Freya’s (my assistant and rescue Doberman) lead with more naps and a few treats, fewer expectations, and plenty of pauses.

Wherever this season finds you, I hope you can meet yourself with kindness.

You’ve done enough.

You are enough.

Rest is not a reward — it’s a requirement.

— Janine

Coaching to support you in the New Year

If you’re reading this and feeling tired, stretched, burnt out, are crawling to the finish line, or are quietly questioning how to move into the new year, you don’t have to do that alone.

In my work as an ADHD and AuDHD coach in Australia, I see this pattern every year.

Coaching can be a space to slow things down, make sense of what’s been heavy, get clearer on your overall values, needs and priorities in this season of your life, and design the next season in a way that actually fits you.

If and when it feels right, you’re welcome to book a coaching discovery call with me here.

No urgency. No pressure. Just support, when you need it.

Frequently Asked Questions

The post A Gentle End-of-Year Reflection: Permission to Do Less appeared first on Janine Defontaine.

Some stories take years to make sense — mine started to fall into place at 45.

For most of my life, I thought I was just a bit of an anxious mess. A little (or a lot) sensitive. Someone who never quite fit in but kept trying anyway. And lost.

Wanting to do all the things — but ending up overwhelmed, exhausted, and wondering why everything felt hard. How did others manage to function and look so put-together?

I was always running on empty (or fumes, really…). And I had so many feelings all the time.

When I was diagnosed with ADHD and autism (AuDHD) at 45, it was like someone had lifted back a curtain.

It turns out, I wasn’t broken. My brain (and body, to be honest) just worked differently — beautifully, chaotically, sometimes brilliantly, mostly exhaustingly, and sometimes just bafflingly!

Behind the Curtain

From the outside, I looked fairly successful. But behind the curtain, I was working twice as hard to maintain that illusion.

Every day was a game of mental logistics — keeping track of my keys, planning driving routes with built-in buffer time, not losing my laptop, managing the overwhelm that came with something as simple as running errands… and remembering to eat.

It wasn’t that I lacked discipline. I was managing executive dysfunction, anxiety, sensory overload, and trauma — all without knowing their names.

I was also heavily masking — after years of experience, conditioning, and messaging that told me to hide the real me.

I didn’t realise how much energy that took until I started to unmask… and finally felt how deeply exhausting it had been.

Before I Knew

Looking back, the signs were there; they were just hidden really well.

The endless lists. The constant mental noise.

The way I could be laser-focused on one thing for hours, but unable to start a “simple” task.

How I could lead complex multi-million dollar projects with confidence — but melt down from a sudden change in plans or too many competing priorities.

How much time, energy and effort I put into just getting somewhere while feeling riddled with anxiety – even if I knew the person I was meeting or had been there before.

At the time, I chalked it up to stress, sensitivity, anxiety, or not being able to handle stress. I thought if I worked harder, organised better, took antidepressants, or learned the next life hack, I could fix myself.

Spoiler: you can’t out-plan your neurology.

Diagnosis & Relief

For years, I believed that:

• “Too sensitive” was a flaw, not an insight.
• Productivity meant working at 200% all of the time.
• Rest was something you earned after you’d finished everything (which, let’s be honest, never happened).
• Taking a break = falling in a heap and getting sick.
• I wasn’t good enough, not interesting enough, not smart enough. Just not ‘enough’.

Getting my ADHD and autism diagnoses at 45 was equal parts grief and relief.

Grief for the years I’d spent feeling broken, for all the times I pushed past exhaustion, for the masking and fawning I didn’t even know I was doing.

And relief — because finally, things made more sense.

It was the first time I could look back on my life with compassion instead of criticism.

The Sensory Story

One of the biggest light-bulb moments was realising how deeply sensory experiences affect me.

The panic I felt in crowded shopping centres.

The way fluorescent lights, office chatter, and background radios made me feel like I was vibrating from the inside out.

The relief of soft fabrics, flowy pants, fluffy blankets, and buying the same top in five colours because comfort matters.

These weren’t quirks — they were my body’s way of saying, “This comforts and feels safe to me.”

Understanding my sensory needs has been one of the most life-changing parts of unmasking and finding peace.

Here are a few things I wish I’d known sooner

Productivity doesn’t have to hurt. It’s about learning when you work best, how your energy ebbs and flows, and finding something sustainable — with the occasional 200% hyperfocus burst thrown in.

Rest, structure, silence, and downtime aren’t indulgent — they’re essential.

And equally, there’s nothing wrong with craving diversity, spontaneity, loud music, and freedom.

Just because you’re good at something doesn’t mean it’s good for you.

The right people won’t think you’re “too much.” They’ll get you.

My brain works differently — and that doing things differently is where the magic is. Systems, good boundaries and the right degree of structure can support freedom — not stifle it.

Sensory experiences are real and powerful. The panic in a noisy supermarket. The overwhelm of fluoros, chatter, and radios in open offices. The comfort in soft textures, flowy pants, fluffy pillows, and buying the same top in five colours. These aren’t quirks — they’re needs.

Working With (Not Against) Your Brain

These days, I help other late-diagnosed ADHD and AuDHD adults do the same — learning how to build lives and work patterns that honour their brains, rather than fighting against them.

There’s a lot of compassion, curiosity, and laughter involved — sometimes a few tears — and always the occasional Freya-approved nose bump .

If you’re somewhere on that path — discovering, processing, learning to unmask safely, or just trying to make sense of it all — you’re not alone.

I see you.

If you’d like to explore what working with your brain might look like, you can book a free exploratory chat here or learn more about ADHD & AuDHD coaching here.

The post Some Stories Take Years to Make Sense appeared first on Janine Defontaine.

I turned 48 this year.

For years, I wrote birthday blog posts — little reflections on what I’d learned so far. But somewhere along the way, life got busy (and heavy), and I stopped. The last few years brought a lot of change — both beautiful and challenging — and I think I lost touch with that quieter reflective part of myself for a while.

This year, though, I felt the pull to write again.

Finding Myself Again

I’ll be honest — this year I’ve wrestled with ageing.

After years of stress (a good decade’s worth!), I’ve started to notice the changes in the mirror — lines around my eyes, muscle loss, and the weight of it all showing up in my face.

But those same lines tell another story: one of laughter, connection, and joy.

They’re proof of a life lived — not wasted.

I like the woman looking back at me now.

I wish younger me had the confidence, understanding, and self-worth I carry today. But I also look at her with kindness and give her a hug across time.

Rebuilding Strength — Body and Mind

Over the past year, I’ve taken up reformer Pilates and strength training.

My clothes fit differently now, but my body feels stronger and more capable. It’s both uncomfortable and empowering — a reminder that strength can always be rebuilt, even after it feels lost.

My work has grown, too.

Both sides of my business — ADHD and AuDHD coaching, and marketing — have flourished. I’m working with people and organisations that truly align with my values, and that feels deeply rewarding.

Living More Authentically

Unmasking as an AuDHD woman has been a huge part of my journey.

It’s come with grief — for the girl I hid away and for the exhaustion that came with masking. However, there has also been joy and relief in dropping the mask, in safe spaces, and learning to live more authentically.

I’m still learning what that looks like.

Some days it’s messy. Other days, it’s pure freedom.

Choosing Joy (and Presence)

Despite the challenges, I’m still choosing joy — in small, daily ways.

Walks with my Doberman, Freya. Laughter with my hubby. Conversations with clients, who remind me why I do what I do. The quiet strength that comes from knowing I’m surrounded by good people.

At 48, here’s what I know for sure:

Strength can be rebuilt, even after burnout.
Joy is found in the little things if you look for it.
Authenticity is worth the discomfort it takes to get there.
Support makes everything easier — you don’t have to do it all alone.

I don’t know what the next decade holds, but I’m entering it stronger, wiser, and more myself than ever.

Here’s to living, laughing, and thriving — one season at a time.

Are you on your own journey of rediscovery?

If you’re on your own journey of rediscovery — learning to rebuild, unmask, or simply find your rhythm again — you don’t have to do it alone.

Through ADHD and AuDHD coaching and mentoring, I support late-diagnosed and neurodivergent individuals to find clarity, confidence, and calm while building a life that works for their unique brain.

Learn more about coaching and mentoring →

The post Reflections on Turning 48: Strength, Joy & Living More Authentically appeared first on Janine Defontaine.

Over the years, I’ve come back again and again to a concept called INCUP. Since discovering it, I’ve found it incredibly helpful for understanding what motivates ADHD (and AuDHD) brains—and how making intentional tweaks can make a massive difference in how we live, work, and show up.

What Is INCUP?

Coined by psychiatrist Dr. William Dodson, INCUP refers to five key factors that tend to motivate interest-based nervous systems, like many of us with ADHD or AuDHD.

• Interest: If we care about what we’re doing—or it taps into a value, strength, or special interest—we’re far more likely to engage.
• Novelty / Nuance: The ADHD brain craves stimulation. A shift in environment, method, or approach can reignite energy and focus.
• Challenge: If something’s too easy, it’s boring. If it’s too hard, it can lead to shutdown. But the right amount of challenge? That’s where the magic happens.
• Urgency: A little pressure helps. Deadlines (especially mini ones), countdowns, and body doubling can all kickstart momentum.
• Passion / Purpose: Connecting to something meaningful—like a goal, a cause, or simply helping someone—can help us push through when motivation wavers.

INCUP isn’t a to-do list. It’s a lens. A tool to help you work with your brain, not against it.

Why the INCUP Framework Works for ADHD and AuDHD

Our brains are wired for difference. And INCUP can help explain why certain tasks light us up while others leave us stuck or flat.

As an AuDHDer, and someone who works with many AuDHD and Autistic clients, I’ve also noticed that INCUP is still incredibly relevant, but it needs gentle adaptation. Many of us also thrive on routine, predictability, sensory regulation, and consistency. So part of the art is finding the right balance between stimulation and support.

Some days, you’ll need more novelty. Other days, purpose will carry you through. And sometimes… none of it works. That’s okay too.

Here’s how INCUP shows up in real life for me

Interest

Interest is the spark that can pull us into a task and help make it feel almost effortless, at least for a while.

A few years ago, deep in burnout, I started a 4,000-piece jigsaw puzzle of Roman art. I didn’t expect much. But once I started, I was surprised how the hours just flew by.

I was fully immersed, not forcing myself to focus but naturally absorbed and challenged in the right way.

The puzzle was beautiful, tactile, and familiar in a comforting way (I loved jigsaws as a kid). I also have a special place in my heart for Rome, and the puzzle reminded me that when the right kind of interest is sparked, ADHD/AuDHD brains come alive.

The trick, of course, is that we can’t summon interest on demand. That’s where the rest of INCUP helps balance things out.

Novelty / Nuance

Novelty doesn’t have to be dramatic. Sometimes, it’s a small shift – trying a new app, changing scenery, gamification, or doing things out of order.

‘Newness’ can reignite interest, spark that dopamine, and help break us out of inertia.

And that nuance—a tweak in environment, routine, or method—can be a powerful support for sustaining energy and managing executive functioning challenges.

For me, a recent shift was starting Reformer Pilates to recover from a knee injury (cheers, Freya). I’d been avoiding the gym-something that’d worked so well for me for eight months-but I had a blockage, and I knew I needed to try something different to stay active.

It’s slightly outside my comfort zone—I’m not usually a ‘class’ person, I like solo activities—but it’s been energising. I feel stronger, more flexible, and more motivated. Plus, it feels proactive for this phase of life (hello, perimenopause).

Challenge

This one’s tricky. The right amount of challenge is energising. But too much? It can lead to panic or paralysis.

A few years ago, I coordinated a national event. On paper, I was perfect for it – a strong project management background, awards under my belt. But inside? I was anxious, overstimulated, and burnt out.

I got it done. But at a cost.

That experience reminded me: Just because I’m good at something doesn’t mean it’s good for me.

Since then, I’ve become more intentional about challenge. I use mini-deadlines, self-imposed accountability, and scaffolding to keep things manageable. And I no longer say yes to things that will completely dysregulate me.

Urgency

I need deadlines. They help activate my brain when open-ended tasks don’t.

But too much urgency—or being pushed into something I didn’t choose—can flip me into shutdown or PDA-mode (demand-avoidance). It’s a delicate balance.

Recently, I had to write a report for a client. It wasn’t due for months, so I delayed starting it. (Classic.)

A friend reminded me to “eat the frog”, so I broke it down into smaller tasks with mini-deadlines. That made it doable.

These days, I’m also experimenting with low-stakes urgency: using body doubling, timers, or scheduling blocks for future me to step into with less resistance.

And if I notice demand-avoidance really kicking in, I take a step back to explore ‘why’. Whether it’s the tone someone used to ask me to do something, that I agreed to when I should have said no, or it’s something I genuinely don’t want to do because it conflicts with my core values, needs, and priorities.

Passion / Purpose

This one’s easy. Coaching.

Every session reminds me why I do what I do. I feel connected, energised, and deeply aligned with my values.

After years of jobs where I had to mask or push through burnout, coaching feels like home. It’s real. It’s human. It matters.

I show up fully as myself—unmasked, a bit quirky, honest, and present. No performance. No masking. Just purpose. And it just feels right.

Bringing INCUP Into Your Life

If you’re feeling stuck, burnt out, or unmotivated, try a quick INCUP check-in. Ask yourself:

• I – Interest: What’s interesting about this? Can I link it to a value, strength or interest?
• N – Novelty / Nuance: Can I do this in a different way? What’s one small change that would make this feel fresh? Can I mix things up by making it more fun or gamifying it?
• C – Challenge: Is this the right level of challenge? Too much? Too little? Can I break it down?
• U – Urgency: What kind of urgency helps me (without frying my nervous system)? Do I need a soft deadline, accountability buddy, or a timer?
• P – Passion / Purpose: Why does this matter to me, or someone I care about?

Final Thoughts

INCUP isn’t a magic fix. But it’s a tool that helps you understand how your brain works—and what it needs to thrive.

For AuDHDers, it can also help you strike that balance between stimulation and regulation. Because sometimes we need novelty, and sometimes we need repetition. Sometimes we need a deadline, and other times, we need time to process.

There’s no perfect formula. However, with curiosity, experimentation, and self-compassion, you can begin building a life that feels more aligned and more authentic to you.

The post The INCUP Framework: How INCUP Can Help Neurodivergent Brains Thrive appeared first on Janine Defontaine.

It’s crucial to have strategies in place to maintain your confidence, boundaries, and well-being.

Here are some practical tips to help you handle these situations effectively.

1. Empower Yourself Through Self-Education and Confidence

Knowledge is Power

Educate yourself thoroughly about ADHD and neurodivergence.

The more you understand your condition, the more confidently you can address misconceptions.

Being well-informed enables you to respond to invalidating comments with authority.

Personal Affirmations

Develop strong personal affirmations and self-belief. Remember, your experience is valid, regardless of others’ opinions.

Trust in your own understanding of your neurodivergence and remind yourself that you know your needs best.

2. Master Communication Strategies

Pick Your Battles Wisely

Not every situation requires a defence or explanation of your neurodivergence.

Choose when and with whom to discuss ADHD, Autism, or other conditions carefully. It’s okay to protect your energy by opting out of unnecessary explanations.

Simple Explanations

Equip yourself with clear, concise explanations about ADHD.

For example, you might say, “ADHD affects my ability to focus and manage time. It’s a real neurodevelopmental condition.”

These simple statements can help educate others without draining your energy.

Set and Maintain Firm Boundaries

Practice Boundary Setting

Establish boundaries about what you share and how you respond to invalidating comments.

You might use phrases like, “I prefer not to discuss this at work,” to protect your mental space.

Develop Exit Strategies

Have a few graceful exit strategies ready for conversations that become uncomfortable.

A simple “I need to focus on my work now” can allow you to disengage politely and maintain your boundaries.

4. Seek Allies and Build Support Networks

Find Supportive Colleagues

Identify colleagues who are more understanding or supportive of neurodivergence.

Building relationships with these individuals can create a more positive work environment.

External Support

Look for support outside of the workplace, such as online forums, ADHD support groups, or trusted friends and family.

You could even work with an ADHD Coach or an external Mentor.

Having a safe space to share your experiences can be incredibly validating.

5. Manage the Emotional Impact

Build Emotional Resilience

Work on strategies to build emotional resilience, such as mindfulness practices, journaling, or speaking with a psychologist.

These tools can help you cope with the emotional impact of invalidation.

Prioritise Self-Care

Regular self-care is essential for managing stress and maintaining mental well-being.

Whether it’s a hobby, exercise, or relaxation techniques, ensure you’re taking time for yourself.

6. Document and Seek Professional Support

Document Negative Interactions

If you encounter particularly negative or discriminatory interactions, keep a record. Documentation can be useful if you need to address the issue with higher-ups or seek legal advice.

Consider Professional Support

If necessary, seek professional support, such as from your workplace Employee Assistance Program (EAP)—if they have one—a psychologist or ADHD coach to help you navigate these challenges and advocate for yourself in the workplace.

7. Plan for the Future

Career Goals and Development

Continue discussing your career goals and consider how you can navigate your current workplace while planning for a more supportive environment.

Keep seeking professional development opportunities that align with your needs and aspirations.

Sample Responses to Invalidation

Having simple, prepared responses can make it easier to handle invalidation. Here are a few examples:

• “ADHD is a condition that affects my attention and focus. It’s something I manage daily.”
• “Neurodivergence means that my brain works differently, affecting how I process information and handle tasks.”
• “Neurodivergence isn’t something I can control completely; it’s a part of how my brain works.”
• “Taking short breaks helps me reset my focus, which is important for managing my ADHD.”
• “ADHD isn’t just about being hyperactive; it also affects how I manage time and process information.”

How to Exit Conversations Calmly

Sometimes, it’s best to simply step away from a conversation.

Here are some ways to do so politely:

Direct and Polite:

• “I appreciate your interest, but I need to get back to work now.”
• “Thanks for the chat. I need to focus on my tasks now.”

Redirecting:

• “I think it’s best to keep this conversation focused on work. Let’s discuss something else.”
• “I’d prefer to talk about this later. Right now, I have to finish my work.”

Using Time as an Excuse:

• “I have a deadline to meet, so I need to get back to it.”
• “I have some tasks that need my attention right now. Let’s catch up later.”

Expressing Boundaries:

• “I find this topic a bit personal, and I’d rather not discuss it at work.”
• “This is important to me, but I prefer not to talk about it here. Thanks for understanding.”

Positive Affirmation

• “It’s great talking with you, but I have to get back to my tasks. Let’s chat later.”
• “I appreciate your understanding, but I need to focus now. Have a great day!”

Conclusion

Navigating the challenges of working with ADHD or other neurodivergences can be tough, especially when faced with invalidation.

By arming yourself with knowledge, communication strategies, and supportive networks, you can confidently manage these situations and thrive in your workplace.

Remember, your experience is valid, and there are tools and resources available to help you navigate these challenges.

The post Navigating Invalidation of ADHD and Neurodivergence in the Workplace: Practical Tips and Strategies appeared first on Janine Defontaine.

I remember the day I stumbled upon the concept of a self-soothe box. It was during a time when I was grappling with health issues and feeling overwhelmed.

My life coach suggested I put together a self-soothe box, a simple go-to box filled with items that could help me feel better on rough days.

The impact was profound.

Not only did it help me manage my stress, but it also became a staple in my life, especially after discovering my sensory sensitivities and ADHD.

As someone who runs her own business and dabbles in many things, I found that having a small self-soothe kit in my handbag was a lifesaver during moments of anxiety or overwhelm. Perfect for a day in the office, when feeling bombarded by people, lights and noise in a shopping centre, pre or post-networking events, and more.

The Magic of a Self-Soothe Kit

A self-soothe box or kit is a personal sanctuary that you carry with you.

It’s a collection of items that can help you calm down, relax, and manage stress. It’s perfect for those days when you’re feeling bombarded by sensory overload, pre or post-networking events, or just having a case of the Mondays (or Wednesdays in true hump-day style).

Crafting Your Own Self-Soothe Kit

Think of creating your self-soothe kit as an exercise of self-reflection and self-care.

Take time to put all of the components together thoughtfully, keeping in mind that you want it to be functional, appealing, memorable, and easily accessible if and when you need it.

Here’s a step-by-step guide to help you create your little piece of sanctuary.

Step 1: Choose Your Container

Choose something that resonates with you and is functional.

You could reuse an old basket, jewellery box or a gift box, or even a small crate.

Alternatively, you could use a bowl, make-up pouch, purse, or even a nice bag.

I have a couple of self-soothe kits. I have a colorful unicorn-covered makeup pouch that I carry around with me when I’m out and about. And I have a small pretty box that I keep within reach in my home office. When I worked in an office, I kept go-to items in my desk drawer.

Side note: as I have been known to leave the lid loose on my water bottle which I keep in my bag, I now have a waterproof pouch I carry around with me.

Step 2: Get Decorating

Decorating your self-soothe kit is a chance to express your creativity and make it soothing to the eye. This can also help your memory recall. Just seeing your creation can trigger you to remember to use it!

If you choose the box option, you could paint it with different colours, draw on a design, or cover it with material, stickers, bows and the like. For the inside, consider stuffing it with some soft material that you enjoy touching. i.e. felt, bubble wrap, fluffy materials.

You get the idea!

Step 3: Decide What Items to Include

Next, choose items that will work well when you are feeling in need of soothing.

A great rule of thumb when putting the contents of your self-soothe kit together is to choose items that appeal to your five senses, and can help you to centre yourself or soothe you when and if needed.

When deciding what items to include in your self-soothe box, consider the following:

• Choose items that appeal to your five senses. Touch, taste, smell, sight and sound.

• The items should help YOU calm down when you need them (not anyone else). For example, some people find that certain activities or objects, such as colouring books, affirmation cards, chocolate, or scented candles, help them relax and keep their anxiety at bay.

• The items should be easy to access. For example, if you are experiencing a panic attack, you don’t want to panic because you can’t find your self-soothe box or struggle to get something out of it. You might also want to create a portable self-soothe kit you can carry around in your car or bag.

• The contents of your self-soothing box should work well for different situations, such as when you’re feeling irritable, overwhelmed, anxious, or sad.

Here are some examples of what you could include in your self-soothe box:

• Self-care items like an eye mask, glasses, ear plugs and noise-cancelling earphones
• Coping tools like fidget toys, soft textures, fluffy socks or a smooth rock
• A go-to playlist of tunes to lift you up or soothe you down
• A journal to write, accompanied by a nice pen
• An uplifting book to read
• Your favourite tea
• Words to inspire (quotes or affirmation cards)
• Scented items such as bath salts, pulse points in scents you love, scented candles, and nasal remedy inhalers.

Going all out with fancy aromatherapy oils and expensive candles can be tempting—but remember, you don’t need to spend much money.

The fewer items in your self-soothe box, the less likely you will get overwhelmed by all the options when you need to reach your box.

Embrace the Journey

Creating a self-soothe kit is a beautiful act of self-care. It’s a tangible reminder of the importance of looking after yourself.

Whether you’re juggling lots of balls, feeling overwhelmed, or stressed, creating a self-soothe kit of your own can support you in navigating day-to-day life with ADHD.

I’d love to see your self-soothe kit. Share it with me on Instagram over at @janinedefontaine.

Remember, this is your journey, and every step you take to nurture your ADHD self is a step towards a healthier, less overwhelmed you.

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The post A Guide to Creating Your Own Self-Soothe Kit appeared first on Janine Defontaine.

At the age of 45, I found myself grappling with a life-changing diagnosis: ADHD.

It was a revelation that came at a time when I was struggling to do the things I usually did.

I’d been questioning my sanity, if I was ill, and wondering if I was developing dementia.

I had left my job earlier that year and was working full-time in my business. I had worked so hard to change my life and was living the life I wanted, so why was everything falling apart?

The Journey to Discovery

The path to my diagnosis was not straightforward.

It began with sharing my struggles with close friends and noticing a pattern in the TikTok videos I was being shown about ADHD in women.

After some hyperfocus research and self-enquiry, I decided to get an ADHD assessment. The result? I was not only diagnosed with ADHD, but I was also in severe ADHD burnout and possibly Autistic.

Reflecting on the Past

Looking back, I can see how ADHD and a whole lot of sensory processing challenges have been a constant presence in my life.

The feeling of not fitting in, being called weird, sensitive, quirky, different, or that I laugh too loudly.

Struggling through school and university.

Misinterpreting my hyperactive racing mind and constant feelings of overwhelm as anxiety.

Constantly losing things, bumping into things, and never remembering people’s names.

The urge to do many things, different things, for change – but also craving security, safety, and stability.

And working so hard. I was known as ‘the girl who gets shit done’… which I thrived on for a time but was always followed by burnout.

The Impact of Living Undiagnosed & the Power of Understanding

Living life undiagnosed, masking to fit into the neurotypical world, working so hard, and unable to escape the burnout cycle, with the breaks between burnout getting shorter each time

I was left feeling like a shell of a human being.

I was exhausted.

Once I was diagnosed, I felt a lot of grief, anger, disappointment, and sadness for all the years I believed something was wrong with me.

I had spent years trying to ‘fix’ myself through counselling, psychologists, naturopaths, doctors, tests from specialists, and self-help books and classes, believing I couldn’t handle life like a ‘normal’ person.

Why had no one picked up on this?

On the other hand, my ADHD diagnosis was validating. It has led me to understand the what, why, and how I do what I do. By viewing life through a different lens, I’m exploring my neurodivergent self and allowing myself to do things differently.

It has opened a new world of possibilities and allowed me to do things in a way that works for me. I’m discovering who I am. I love who I am. I feel happier. And I feel so much more whole.

The Road Ahead

There is so much more to my story.

Navigating the medical and mental health systems, waiting lists, and other non-helpful things has been cumbersome and frustrating.

Successfully trialling ADHD medication and having to deal with medication shortages was confronting and triggered more trauma.

I have shared my news with friends, family members, colleagues, and the world, and the reactions have been mostly positive, some invalidating or plain gaslighting, and a few disappointing.

Collecting other diagnoses along the way in the form of Complex PTSD, Raynaud syndrome, and the like. Today I call them the other pieces to my puzzle.

But building my support team of a great psychologist, psychiatrist, coach, mentor, GP, chiropractor, and more, along with the support I’ve received from friends, family, and my networks, has been a blessing.

And honestly, that’s why I am here doing what I do.

Let’s Connect

I hope hearing part of my story about my late diagnosis of ADHD will inspire you to be gentle with yourself and each other and to accept and celebrate your differences.

If you’re looking for an ADHD coach who understands your struggles firsthand, I’d love to connect.

My lived experience with ADHD, alongside my learning, professional experience and qualifications, has equipped me with a unique perspective and tools to help others navigate their own journeys.

Let’s explore the possibilities together and celebrate our neurodivergent selves.

Reach out to me, and let’s start this empowering journey together.

Janine

The post Unmasking Myself: My Journey to an ADHD Diagnosis at 45 appeared first on Janine Defontaine.